The alarm clock goes off at 5:30 AM Central Time. It is 4:30 in Los Angeles and I am all sorts of fucked up. A body should not be put through torture such as this and I cannot get out of Utah sooner. Our flight leaves at 8:25 am. Thank god. I go through airport security. A breeze, relatively speaking. On the way to the gate I spot a general store called "West of Brooklyn" which I suppose is an attempt to compare it artistically with indie hipster going-ons. Further than this hypothetical I come up with, there is no rhyme or reason as to why the owner would have the audacity to try to strike up a similarity with anything, let alone New York City. "West of Broadway" is in a class all it's own and probably filled with the most terrifying art in Utah.
1. Fruit and Vegetable Animals
These go in the inedible art category. They are pottery-like and glazed. Imagine taking your favorite treat, say, a banana. And you think, hey, a banana could look like a donkey if I turn it around and draw a head where the top end of the banana is and shape the bottom end into a tail. Then I can just add some banana colored legs and voila, Banana Donkey! There is an eggplant dolphin, tangerine cats, onion geese, red pepper bulls and cabbage fish. I realize as I write this that it all sounds a little strange and pointless. Trust me, it is.
2. Forever Blue Jeans Family Collection
I'm not sure where to place these little miniature dolls. I'm not even sure if they are dolls. I suppose they are closer to figurines. Like GI Joe toys minus anything interesting or cool. In fact, the Forever Blue Jeans Family Collection does not even go through the trouble of painting on the faces of the moms, dads, sons and daughters that stand eerily next to each other in white GAP tee shirts and blue denim pants. The lack of features on these creepy little representations of the white, Christian nuclear family is to perhaps allow the buyer (if any) to more easily relate to these 5 inch tall pieces of plastic. Admittedly, there was a moment there were I stared deep into the space where eyes should be of an anonymous female family member and I thought "Hey! That could me me!" And then I thought about being stuck on a shelf inside of the West of Brooklyn general store in the Salt Lake City Airport...a modern day "Indian in the Cupboard"...I shuddered and put the figurine back where it came from and backed away slowly.
3. Fimocreations
Fimo dough came out when I was in elementary school. Its consistency was something like a combination of Play-Dough and Wacky Taffy. You could buy all sorts of colors, roll them together into a tube and then slice them like julienned basil. The sliced pieces then looked like a Play-Dough kaleidoscope which we would then string on necklaces and let dry. I was 8 years old. This was okay then. Apparently in Utah, Fimo dough is still going strong for every man, woman, and child. The Fimocreations jewelry case takes up an entire enclosed showcase next to the register.
4. SL,UT
Call me immature but when my eyes passed by the rack of Salt Lake City themed coffee cups this one stuck out. Were they trying to be clever? I looked for other innuendos but I don't think Utah is capable of it. Nothing else in here had a sense of humor and I doubt they would start with this one.
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