Four Hours at LAX

Where the mind is allowed to wander when sitting at the airport for four hours waiting for a flight...

- How does lint and other dusting always finds a home on the lid of my chapstick?

- 800 calories is an awful lot for a salad. Do they grow their lettuce in butter?

- Women with small children cannot take the stairs for years of their life due to their infant commitments...it's elevators and Bugaboos for at least 3 years.

- Hey! That mom left her twins alone in their twin stroller while she went to pee. She must find me very trustworthy but I suppose there only being two people washing their hands in the lavatory and that I am 5'10 would make for an easy hunt for kidnapping suspects...

- If your flight gets delayed (2 hours) and the airline (Delta) wants to charge you a fee ($50) to change it (bullshit), tell them that your ride at the destination city (Salt Lake City) can't make it at the adjusted time (later than I fucking paid for). Special thanks to Manny, my gay Latino Delta Concierge desk man for spilling the pinto beans on that one.

- If everyone used the paper toilet seat guards, no ass cheek would ever touch its plastic rim, no pee would ever spill on top of it, and it would always (theoretically) stay clean. The very people who apparently find it more cleanly to pop a squat and ruin it for the rest of us, do not abide by this logic whatsoever...forcing me to conclude that these are the most selfish of cleanly people, robbing me of a pleasant environment to take a piss. Fuck you, squatter. If I could only catch you in the act...

- My everything bagel does not have equal amounts of "everything." This one, particularly, is leaning towards the heavy salted category of bagel varieties.

- The old man across from me is wearing the same old man glasses I used to wear out of irony before I got LASIK and before every MTV watching hipster thought it would be a grand fashion statement. Maybe old man style is just dope style and we should rid ourselves of the ageist stereotypical term. I am reminded of a similar situation in my high school SATs: If I am dope and I wear these glasses, and the old man wears these same glasses, it would assume that both I and the old man are, in fact, dope.